No one wants to think about it. No one wants to deal with it. Wedding collapses are such toxic unmentionables that when they happen, no one knows what to do. It’s incredibly difficult to get around a canceled wedding, let alone being jilted at the altar, and Good Morning America this week did a piece on some women who exhibited real grace under pressure.

There is of course plenty of fictional history for altar jiltings. There’s Miss Havisham in Great Expectations and a quick search will reveal a trove of novels, movies, studies all about runaway brides bolting at the last minute.

Anyway, there is no way to erase the pain and embarrassment and general horror of being dumped, but there is etiquette and that is why Chapter 16 of Something New is all about how to handle the worst.

This is the title of Chapter 3 of Something New, but this CNN article (which I found via Salon’s Broadsheet postings) is a great illustration of why being a member of the wedding can make one feel as if one has a wasting disease instead of an honorary job on a happy occasion.

In all likelihood, the horror stories CNN gleefully airs are worst case scenarios, notable for being wild and bitter and far from the norm. They make everyone who has been an “easy” bride smug and happy and every member of a wedding who doesn’t feel as if she had been hit by a train, robbed and left friendless in a weird outfit feel like she’s dodged a bullet.

But there is something a bit inappropriate about bridesmaid culture and it isn’t in the expense (though money should be respected and finances considered) and it isn’t in the parties or the dresses. People should not use their weddings as a means to test and measure the friendship. The articles about crazy brides depict them as behaving like gods from Greek and Roman mythology, setting out impossible and silly tasks for their human pawns to achieve so they can prove themselves.  Everyone should give it a break, turn down the volume on requirements and try to have a good time that isn’t (literally) at someone else’s expense. And prospective bridesmaids can always say “no” as long as they’re nice about it.